I am electric, I am fire, I am alive. I’ve got one thumb pulsing pleasure into my perineal sponge and the oily finger of the same hand is slipping deliciously around the ruffled funnel-grooves of my anal sphincter - it is my third finger which may become relevant later - we’ll see.
The fingers and palm of my other hand are travellers. Sometimes they travel to a nipple - squeezing, rolling, softly palm-teasing. The next moment they might be tumbling down over my mons finding swollen vulval lips, subtly sensitised vestibular bulbs, sparkling glans. This hand is a sensorial ranger - both an explorer of my body’s erotic landscape and a bringer of pleasure. Sometimes this hand swirls across my skin in a dance of touch, in ways that make my body sing with sensation wherever the hand passes, triggering a cacophony of discourses in a variety of sensory languages.
Come in. You’re welcome. Make yourself comfortable on that chair over there. Settle down... take your time... tune in... see if you can find your curious, non-judgemental observer. You are entirely welcome whether or not you can enter that space. That is your task right now - to make easy effort to access your purity - and then to bring that observation to the person in front of you. From that place you have an opportunity to be expanded by this experience. We discussed all of this before and we agreed that we could only do our best and we’d trust that whatever unfolds will be as it is. This is, after all, just one person exploring self-touch and another witnessing. I’m very grateful that you are here.
Today I’ve set an intention to explore stimulation of the perineal sponge. There are certain known parameters that guide me through this exploration - you can observe some of them in front of you.
Let’s see the scene, for a moment, through your eyes. A person with a vulva, female-presenting, is propped on their knees facing a mirror, you can see one hand nestled between their thighs and the other travelling around their body. The spine dances sinuously from pelvis to neck, head and pelvis thrown into a dance by a thrusting spine. Their breath is measured - sometimes more intense, sometimes less, but following rhythms and styles it seems. Their eyes are peering at their body in the mirror seeing the mouth opening to emit breath and sound - periodically there is a lot of sound. There is a phone cradled in a tripod to one side. It seems likely that the phone is being used to video the scene. There is a towel bunched between their legs.
What you can’t know are the unseeable parameters. This is a daily half hour practice and this is the fourth day in a row that I have set this intention for perineal sponge stimulation. The regularity of practice means that I am not in scarcity around setting the same intention many times… I feel I have as long as I like to explore each intention. I’ve experienced the rewards of staying focused - growing new or heightened sensory experiences, through igniting new brain-body sensory pathways, overcoming years of stagnation or numbness, maybe created by trauma or misuse. In the past the perineal sponge was a place of pain for me so I’m particularly enjoying the new-found and unique sensual landscape that it offers. This practice, too, allows me to take care of my sexual needs, build my sexual autonomy, allowing me to connect more cleanly in sexual partnership, knowing myself better, better prepared for a deeper, more nuanced partnership of exploration rather than bringing my ineptitude, my need or my greed.
Right now I am attempting to stay present, control my breathing, keep moving and follow a loose choreography, that includes pelvic ignition at the beginning, proceeds to include the intention - stimulation of the perineal sponge - and a five minute savouring period of stillness at the end. There is also an intention to modulate erotic charge and draw it from the genitals throughout the body. There is nothing constraining about the choreography here - no expectations, no knowns - just a desire to keep options open, explore with presence and curiosity, maybe try new things, preferably avoid old patternings.
In the distorted timescape of body experiences the twenty minutes or so of intentioned, free choreography expands infinitely - it feels like I am always just beginning - only the timer on my phone will let me know the end.
In this space, with you witnessing, I have interesting subtexts arising. New layers of shame reveal themselves to me and I have an urge to perform - I’m not sure if this urge is for myself or for you. Returning to choreography and intent helps me to navigate these new experiences and return to myself, helps me stay connected to the practice.
Meanwhile, perhaps, you have managed to enter that pure state of observation and can begin contemplating, as we discussed, ‘This is how this person touches them-self ’. That is the guiding mantra of your witnessing. There is no place for amazement, exclamation, boredom - this is a practice for you too. Can you find your neutral gear? Can you stay there?
Why are we here? Don’t even think about it now but later, when you have time, you might find yourself thinking about what you learnt today or, maybe later still, you will just notice that something has shifted for you - an attitude, an expectation, a behaviour, a possibility - and you’ll remember this experience and sense how it has expanded you. That has been my experience of being both witness and witnessed - sometimes the shifts are organic and nuanced, other times a whole portal has opened up for me. Expanding out of shame and unknowing, feeling new edges - living, seeing, sensing more. I’ve learnt how the exploration of self-touch is vital to sexual well-being, empowerment and self-care - also how witnessing can shift things for both parties involved.
Something different is happening now. I start to up-regulate the charge through my body using breath. Multiple sharp, quick intakes followed by a relaxed release quickly builds erotic charge. There is a sudden intensity of sensation, particularly in my genital area. I could use my first finger (uncontaminated by anal play) to explore my urethral crest. This area of my vaginal terrain has expanded for me through continued exploration over time. I no longer think in terms of isolated spots of stimulation, more of an ever changing, swelling, rolling wave of engorged and sensitised flesh, full of gullies and hilltops, each bringing their own subtly nuanced version of pleasure. Alternatively I might choose to use a dildo which I know can stimulate my perineum and my crest simultaneously in delicious ways. I choose not to do either. Rather I sink into the sensations arising from my perineal sponge, stay pure to the intention. I slip my finger into my anus and stimulate the sponge from both sides for more stimulation. My breath shortens as I tune in and nerves fire, like firework bursts, all around my genitals. There is deliciously subtle, deep and sonorous sensation here - earthy pleasure. I fight to stay in conscious awareness, I struggle, too, to keep my eyes open to observe myself and to avoid slipping into an altered state. I want to allow for new possibilities to arise by choosing different behaviour than conditioning or previous experiences might deliver.
Suddenly you see me throw my head back, mouth screaming, back contorted, arching, riding a long peak of climax. Between my legs streams of liquid pulse onto the towel. At the most intense moment there is farting, screaming and squirting. This seems to last for ages to me, wave after wave of body contorted by the power coursing through - sinew straining power. It will be interesting to see how long it actually lasts on the video. Slowly I melt out of this state into stillness and quietness.
Inside, in my lived experience, that you cannot know, my sensations now are like a subtle dance of light and music all around my body. At the height of my climax I had no sense of being anywhere other than attached to a piercing power passing through my body, scream attaching itself to one end, squirt to the other.
If you are like my partner you might have experienced a lot of sensation in your body as I climaxed - some do, some don’t. My partner does, more and more it seems. If they are near me then they’ll experience it as a penetration of energy - we call this my energy cock. They will tend to experience an energetic climax alongside me, albeit in their own way.
For now, in this practice, if it is near the end of the twenty minutes of free choreography, I might just stay with savouring, tuning in to the subtle sensations I am now experiencing but, if not, I’ll start exploring more. Sometimes during these practice session I don’t climax. Sometimes I climax many times. There is no goal, no expectations.
At the end you can just go. Thank you for coming to witness me. Please let yourself out.