For four happy years, I’ve had a gorgeous boyfriend who is pretty much the ideal dude and despite the odd spat here and there I’m pretty sure he is THE ONE! Everything is fairy tale-like apart from One Major Problem. I’ve been hiding my farts and suffering! From cheeky cheek partings under the covers (to hide the sound), trying to push them out the minute he leaves the room, letting them rip quietly when I sit on the loo, it’s all been a bit of a nightmare and I found myself heading towards IBS with my relationship at stake.
Every time I went to see by boyfriend I would leave with a stomach twice the size, trying to burp out the gas with a few mugs of herbal tea could only do so much. I would always try and fart before sex, but the stress of getting them out meant they often didn’t show and when it was his turn to cook I would spend the entire time in the bedroom with my arse in the air ‘expelling’ in his absence (correct positioning is everything). I was exhausted, uncomfortable and yeah, sex ain’t that fun when you’re butt-clenching hard. Before you assume the worst, he didn’t actually mind me farting, which is good as he farts like a trooper and looks rather smug doing it. I just felt that it wasn’t ladylike or acceptable. Farting is laddish and blokey behaviour reserved for men to assert their masculinity. Every time I’ve farted in the past I’ve been met with shocked and embarrassed looks. No wonder I’ve got a complex.
Back to my boyfriend, one night I just had to blurt out that despite his supportive nature I was hiding my farts all the time and that made me stressed and unhappy. He found it funny at first, but then noticed I was really upset and after a long conversation, we declared our relationship would be fart positive. Whenever we felt like farting at home we would let it out, no ifs, no butts. At first it was awkward because I had to keep reminding myself to consciously push them out and not hold them in. It was also pretty shocking because I’m not sure either of us realised how much gas I was holding back and it turns out that I’ve now overtaken him by a long shot on the fart-o-meter.
A month into this new regime I felt free and joyful. It felt great to really be me and drop the shame for once in my life. The knock-on effects are that it now seems anomalous to hold back from farting at work, in the supermarket or anywhere at all. Clenching feels like losing spontaneity. Despite my newfound liberation, I still struggle to do number twos when someone walks into a public toilet, maybe overcoming that fear will be the new frontier. In the meantime, I’m basking in loving and accepting my body and celebrating my natural sounds, I even feel more relaxed about my boyfriend's farts and feel like I’ll grow to love them, since we’re in this together.
Most importantly, I know I can finally relax and be loved, farts and all. #fartpositive