I live a poly-fi binogamous life. Yes, it’s true. I made this up. But it sounds kind of awesome, right? What this means to me is that I love two different men, and I’m committed to them both. How this differs from some polyamorous arrangements is that I consider myself monogamous to each of my partners, yet because I am with more than one partner at the same time, I call this “bi-nogamous.” In loving each of them, I am then polyamorous, yet also practice fidelity. Hence poly-fi binogamy.
I guess if you were to look at it objectively, you’d be like, yeah, you’re really just in a relationship with two dudes and that doesn’t mean much more than you being a basic poly bitch. But hear me out. Most often, we don’t consider fidelity or monogamy as part of the poly life. Polyamory is a practice wherein you are free to love however many people at the same time you so choose, or whatever your emotions can handle. For me, this looks like two people whom I love on equal levels, and am completely loyal to. I mean, if want to get technical, you could say they’re sister-wives — but male. So, like, brosbands?
What started as an open marriage between my husband and I following eight years of loving togetherness, became more than I could have imagined. I wasn’t expecting to fall for anyone, let alone enter another long-term relationship. I mean, let’s be honest, I kinda just wanted to fuck. After many failed attempts with the online dating thing, I was ready to give up entirely. Most folks, it seems, aren’t into the idea of sharing, funnily enough. I decided to try one last time and hit it off with an amazing guy. Something was different about him from the rest of the men I had been conversing with. For one, we were into many of the same scenes and couldn’t believe we hadn’t met over the years; and two, he was the most respectful and kind human I’d encountered online. After our first date, we became pretty much inseparable — spending every weekend together and making plans for the future. It has now been three months and I am so in love with this man. I see a life with him, as I do with my husband. We’re not sure what that will look like, but we’re all willing to figure it out along the way.
Some might think that I’m having my cake and eating it too — and believe me, I love cake. But, I like to think it’s so much more than that. In my experience, one person can’t possibly be your be all, end all. We are far too complex as human beings for it to work that simply. Sure, you can have a lot of commonalities and connections with one person, but there are so many facets that go into a relationship, it’s hard for me to accept that one individual can fulfill another in every possible way. The reality is, I have vastly different connections with each of my partners that complete me in a Jerry Maguire-esque “you had me at hello” sort of way. And it is a beautiful thing. I have never felt so connected to so many parts of myself — sexually, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. And why can’t this be a legitimate thing? Why are we told that you have to stick to one person your entire life who doesn’t have the capacity to meet all your wants, needs, and desires? I mean, I get that marriage — and any relationship for that matter — takes effort. And believe me, my husband and I have had our challenges with jealousy, abandonment, communication, and time management — but that came with learning about ourselves and one another through a completely different lens than we had before. In the process I’ve come to realise that, while we will most certainly have to work at difficulties that arise, this does not mean we have to settle for anything less than what we hope for in this life.
Consciously choosing to be with two people in a loving, romantic, and intimate relationship isn’t for everyone. It involves you showing up with your feelings and being up front and honest with your partners. While it may be difficult to avoid making assumptions or imagine the worst about a potential situation, the best advice I have is to just lay it all out there. No games. No guessing. There also has to be an awareness that each relationship will require its own set of boundaries, wants, and needs. Sometimes it can be a balancing act in finding a common ground among everyone involved in the polycule (think molecule but with people). I’m still learning what it means to be the best partner I can, in a way that fulfils both me and them.
Despite everything that goes into making it work and all that comes along with it, what matters is that we approach one another with love and respect. We’re all in this together.
Breanna is a writer, part-time shit disturber, and coffee addict who lives with her husband and two cats. She blogs about expressions of female sexuality on her site WhatTheSlut? You can find her on Instagram @_whattheslut_